Laziness and a multitude of personalities
I wrote in my first post of this 7 day challenge, that I have a lack of motivation when it comes to painting. In fact, during some weeks I have a lack of motivation when it comes to everything. What I noticed, is that these stretches of time where I revolt against everything, and also feel guilty in the meantime for not doing stuff, usually happen after a burst of activity where I did, probably overwork myself a little.
Part of an artist´s drive I suppose, is that it can always be better what he does. One painting is there, and you know something lies beyond. The danger there that I see, is that I start looking for the result rather than the process of making. I still believe that the process should be the drive, not an idea like: I want to have a huge painting that fills the whole wall, a series that could fill the whole gallery, etc.
It seems that my artists´ brain is not very much concerned with numbers or size. It seems, that this is my ambitious mind trying to steer my artist in the “right” direction. I think it won´t work that way.
I can identify two parts here, the ambitious but also practical businesswoman, who is in charge of managing everything I make, selling it and generally building my career. The other part would be the artist, the maker, the one who is responsible for making things that mean something to her, the one who needs space to play.
Sometimes they work very well together, for example when it comes down to figuring out a new social medium: Images are involved, a strategy is involved, and both need to do their part in order to create interesting content. Not that it always is interesting, but it does feel like an area when they can work together.
On the other hand, they have this strange mother-child relationship that doesn´t seem to lead anywhere. The businesswoman/mother works and works, against the protest of the artist/child who wants to play. There are moments where this is inevitable, when building an exhibition for example. After these events, the businesswoman is tired and wants a rest, the artist is frustrated and still wants to do something, but generally joins on the couch (as these two are still in one body this is inevitable). Wouldn´t it be handy to be two persons! It would be an incredible help to be responsible together for the workings of things. One can sit on the couch and have a day off, the other can paint. One can update the website; the other can throw some new pots. One can go to the botanical garden and the other can clean the house. It would be immensely handy.
As it is now, the artist goes into some kind of passive protest where all he wants to do is read novels and watch series. The businesswoman keeps nagging and then decides to do the work herself. That results in a lot of instagram posts but no new art, because she is not the creator. It seems that I need to give my artist more time to fool around and unwind. I kind of need a manager who decides who gets a day off, can listen to the needs of artist and businesswoman both. This is what happens with a one-woman company. You have to be all: the manager, boss, artist and employee…
The manager today has decided that I can read a novel, but every time I need a break I need to do one useful thing. Now I wrote this blog-post and can go back to reading. Next useful thing would be to post it online I suppose, or to do some laundry. I have a housekeeper inside too by the way; she would like the house to be a bit cleaner… Things can always be more perfect.